My baby. . .

My baby is still in my wife's belly. Dammit. I'm guessing she either really likes Gina's uterus and just doesn't want to leave, or got scared when I warned her against being born during the new episode of The Simpsons tonight. I told her, "Look, you want our relationship to get off on the right foot, correct? Then you WILL NOT ruin this, my first chance to see not only this new episode of The Simpsons guest-starring Kiefer Sutherland, but also the first time I get to see the trailer to The Simpsons' Movie! You will either be born well before Sunday night at 7pm Central Standard Time, or you will wait to go into labor until after!" Unfortunately, she waited until after. I'm guessing it's the "comfortable uterus" option.

And now I'm bored of waiting, and impatient all at the same time. So, if you got any ideas to induce labor upon my wife and baby, let me know. If your idea works, I'll name the baby's middle name your name! (Unless your name begins with the letter "A." Her first name is going to begin with 'A,' and two would be two too many.)

And, we've tried the usual "pregnancy inducer" stuff. Spicy food, walking a lot, driving on a bumpy road, sacrificing a former child TV star, etc. We even tried the whole "pregnancy sex" thing, and let me tell you; it is difficult to do the "thing" at the end of sex that makes sex worth it for men when in the back of your head you know that the "bump" you keep hitting the head of your penis against is probably your baby's face. So don't offer up any of those ideas, because they don't work well. We've tried. A lot. Twice last night. We want some unique ideas, ok?

Woooooooooooooolhouse