This is not good! But don't worry . . .

So my wife- Gina- and I had our sixth month's doctor's appointment. In case you missed something, we are pregnant. She should be showing up sometime around November 14th. I hope she's not too late, because I got theater tickets the next night.

That was a joke. With how bad at showing up on time her mom and I are, I've cleared from October 12th to Christmas in my calendar. She could show up anytime in there.

Or earlier, as our stupid doctor alluded to yesterday.

Let me preface this story. I'm starting to hate doctors. Not all doctors. Most doctors are great. They save lives, and- barring that- they at least make the rest of life comfortable. It's these f'n OB/GYN doctors. And not all of them, I guess. We've had a couple who have been great. It's this one guy we've had TWICE that has irked me not once . . . but TWICE! And for those of you who don't know me . . . twice is my limit, sucka.

I don't remember much from our previous experience with him. All I remember is he told my vegetarian wife to eat meat and that is was OK for her to go water skiing. As we left- and my wife told me she was not eating meat while I informed her she was not getting near a speed boat- we gave little actual thought to Dr. Doctor (not his real name, just to save me from getting sued.) 

Then we had him again. Sigh.

First he measured Gina's tummy. "Hmmm, a little on the small side," he said, before adding, "Not that there is anything wrong with that." (Like he just called my wife's baby-carriage 'gay' or something.) "It's just on the low end of average, nothing to worry about."

Then he let Gina know he was going to check her cervix for dialation. "Take off your pants." Gina- who had no idea that this was going to transpire- looked scared. Maybe she always looks like that when a strange man is about to violate her. She looked like that on our wedding night, so maybe.

Anyway, Dr. Doctor rolls his sleeve up, and- with lots of exageration to make my point clear- he proceeds to check my wife's cervix, which apparently is located a foot and a half up "there." He kept it in there for a few seconds- which is longer then she is used to- and then slowly pulled it out. After wiping his arm- from elbow to wrist- off, he let us know the horrible news.

"Well, at this point in the pregnancy, the cervix should be completely closed. We test it by trying to put our finger inside of it. Well, I was barely able to put just the tip of my finger inside, which isn't a good thing. But don't worry. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It happens in a lot of first-time pregnancies- especially for smaller ladies such as yourself (referring to Gina)- so don't lose sleep over it. But just watch, because it could mean your baby will be premature which is not good and costs thousands of dollars to keep alive and it will ruin yours, his, and the baby's lives! But don't worry, because it's probably nothing."

Now I ask you: if you were a first time parent- and are so scared you nearly pee yourself when you imagine having to change a diaper- and your doctor told you that your wife's body may kick your first offspring out early. WOULD YOU BE NERVOUS?!?!?!

I know it sounds like I am, but I'm not. Anymore. I was for the first couple of hours afterwards. Then I checked it out, and discovered that this happens in literally like 75% of first-time pregnancies for women of Gina's stature, and a great portion of them end up healthy as oxen. 

So I'm not nervous. I'm upset at my doctor for even putting this idea in my head when the chances are so minute he might as well have added, "By the way, there is an off chance your fetus could get a hold of some sort of firearm and shoot your wife from the inside, killing her instantly." You're right, Dr. Doctor. There is an off-chance. WHY TELL ME LIKE THAT IF ODDS ARE IT IS NOTHING?!?!?! Tell me, but tell me nicely, softly, like you would over anything else.

So I shat in a bag, and lit it on fire, and left it in front of the clinic. I hope he was the first to leave. I'll imagine in my heart that he was.

BTW, check out www.damnyoubanana.com I put a new Apple vs. Banana cartoon on the front page, and my writing partner, Kris, has updated a few other things.

Wooooooooooooooolhouse

PS: I wrote about this, because that damn chair will NOT leave my side. I need a gun. I wonder if my baby will lend me hers.